Revelations

Laying in bed, I was overwhelmed with emotions~so here I am, writing it down, to get it out.

Tonight, I miss my mom and  I miss my sister Linda.  
I wonder who Linda would have become as an adult.  I wonder where she'd live and where she would work. Would we be close?  Would she be married?  I wonder how life would be different if my mom had not had Alzheimers. I wonder what she would have thought of Shannon's wedding and of her great-grandchildren.  I wonder what they would say to me, to us as a family, if they could reach out and talk to us today.  Revelation #1:  I wonder alot.

Then, I begin to miss my sisters.  None of them lives in our home town area anymore.
I love my sisters. I want nothing more than to have 'relationship' with them. To be important, to hold
significance, to be included, to share life. I realize that I don't know anyone's hearts.  I don't hold a secret for any of them. I can't remember the last time we just got to be together to laugh and play games (that's the only time I get to play games) without an agenda ~you know, its' not a wedding, its not a funeral; when there is no particular purpose to show up except "because I love spending time with you and you are important".
I realized tonight, in my broken and emotional state that my relationship with them is probably based on my role as the oldest sister.  Growing up, it was my job to care for them like a 2nd mom.  So, I guess that's part of it. That and the distance and time & energy which is required to make time time to be together. Sometimes the distance and time away from them feels like a huge chasm.  Revelation #2: I am a good bridge builder, I don't always know how long to make the bridge, though.

I'll bet its obvious that I've spent some time these days pondering my life. There's the "ok, God, now what" , the list of regrets and then the work of forgiving myself for my regrets and then working on forgetting. Yep, there's definitely more time to think these days, particularly about who I am and what I've done with my life. My own greatest accomplishments are my kids. You may think it cliche', but its true down to the depths of my soul. I watch my adult children move through their lives and I am so proud of who and what they have become. I am in awe of their goals and the milestones they've reached so far.  I can't help but wonder, "How'd that happen?"  Revelation #3:  I have been seeing my life in a deeper way recently, and difficult as that is, it enables me to press on-seeing what's behind. And in pressing on, I want to leave a legacy in my wake.

This chain of events, this "one thing leads to another" is crazy.  Isn't it?  I guess that's how God intends it, though. We can't always swallow what He gives us whole, so He reveals it in neat little packages. It's nice that way. Thanks, God.