a right of passage

My heart aches. I just don't understand.
I was there for all the other milestones~ sleeping through the night, first steps, first haircut, first friendships, first crushes and first heartaches & graduations.  I was a part of the angst waiting for the commitment to marry and part of the joy when he finally popped the question.  But today, I was not included in what I perceived as a right of passage. A time when the tide changes from mother and daughter to becoming friends. Sharing intimacies reserved only for those closest to our hearts. I didn't get to share her friendships, see and hear all the silliness that comes with encouraging the 'taboo'. I didn't even get to see any of the gifts. I didn't get to tell the story behind my gifts which have been collected through the past 11 months. I missed it all.  It won't ever happen again.  I don't get a second chance.
No do-overs.  I guess my ache comes down to the fact that I simply am not what I had hoped to be, especially to my children.  
I am still a work in progress in accepting that and moving on. But it still aches.