Wonder above all: November 2011

Nov 29, 2011

....and day.

so, yeah...it must have been a premonition, so I didn't completely fall apart today. I worry that I am having a nervous break down when these things happen. (Interestingly enough my recent devotion has been talking about Trusting God. Yeah...easier said than done when you're all alone. Or feel that you are. A testimony to the fact that we must be in fellowship....but I digress...) Today, I was not perfect, I disappointed someone today. It is hugely painful, and frankly another moment, of late, that finds me less than what I want to be and hoped to be for this person. So, I collapse into a puddle...cry out to God "why is this so hard?" and wait...wait...wait for it to stop hurting. The day and all that had to be done kept me moving, away from the hurt. And I am done. For today.
I have never struggled so hard to gain approval and acceptance from any one. When did this all start? I have no idea...maybe its always been this way and I'm just realizing how much I need it. I'm working on this...stay tuned.

Nov 27, 2011

teary, teary night

...and it just won't stop. my heart aches, my head swirls, my mind reels. Thoughts and feelings I thought buried just keep bubbling up, like a leaky window, obviously broken only when it rains.
Questions in rapid fire weaken the walls. A deep sadness overwhelms me and hope seems lost...just for a moment. I will not let it go. I know that joy will come in the morning. I will sleep through the renewal. Lord, take the hurt and make it something. Grow your grace and wisdom inside of me. I wish to find rest in you Lord. Renew me to do your will, to BE your will. I am yours.

Nov 8, 2011

I just watched him for a moment....

..and a flood of emotions filled my heart and mind. Isaiah is so beautiful. His eyes hold such innocence and his smile speaks of wonder at EVERYTHING! "Wonder Above All", the title of my blog, started over 2 years ago, before Isaiah was even born! Wonder can be as magical as it can be spiritual. Wonder can answer questions and allow us to see beyond reality. Wonder can lead us to incredible places, if we just would keep life as pure as a child's heart, where wonder comes from.
I've always loved watching children 'wonder at the world', but in my grandson, Isaiah, I feel that there is so much more going on in that little brain of his. I am enamored with his wonder, with how he pulls things apart to see how they work or pushes all the buttons to see an action or reaction or how he watches the wind in the trees with such awe. It's all stuff we grown ups take for granted.
I don't want to lose my wonder, or take life for granted. I want to know it deeply. I want to learn about it all over again. I want to put words to my actions and find joy in each moment, like he does. I want to breathe it in every day and give it back to the world.
As the big, wonder-filled world moves and evolves and all its adult complications fill our minds, cloud our hearts and attempt to steal our joy, I pray that we can focus on the moments that make up our days and the hopes that will get us from one day to the next. That we can see beyond ourselves and find peace in Who and what we find.
Wonder, above all.....reach inside, find where you left the child. Its there. "Come to me as a little child". He's calling. Listen.