Even after 3 years, every once in a while it creeps in...and I have no ability to make it stop. My heart races, tears fill my eyes. It can happen anywhere. In the car, at work, in the kitchen. No matter how much I push it out it just won't go away! The tape plays over in my head and I feel the pain in my heart all over again.
She pulls out a list written on notepaper..."So, I just wanted to talk to you about some things." "Did you even know I was mad at you?" "I'm sure you could tell." What? Wait...what? Me? You're talking to me? My heart jumps into my chest and I am frozen. Just recounting it causes a lump in my throat and stings my eyes...why won't all these feelings go away? I can't remember anything but individual words and the flood of feelings that just keep coming back mad-sad-not doing- too much- so mad- you don't-you do. I don't even know what was said any more! Since then, its been nothing short of a haunting. I am grateful, however, that I have been able to just love her. Despite that, I do feel guarded and it causes me to always second guess myself. I worry about what I may or may not be doing or saying. I just want to be. Be myself. Will that ever happen? I love her with all my heart and can't figure out how to make it different. Who knew that being an inlaw could actually make you feel like an outlaw?
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