...it's over now....

boo hoo...vacation is over...and it didn't even feel like a vacation.   I feel unfulfilled.

Oh, don't get me wrong, it was beautiful.  The sounds were as expected,

the sights were everything I dreamt of. The fireworks over the lake were exquisite. We even had an unexpected patriotic kids parade ~ complete with decorated bikes and scooters, a flag leading the procession and a dog wearing an Uncle Sam hat!  But, there was no walk to the mansion, no trek to Emerald Bay on the water, no biking or even the shortest hike to the top of Eagle Rock.  I'm not sure what we did, but our time there was filled...hmmmm, something was missing...or should I say something was just not right....Maybe it is simply unfulfilled expectations (that happens to me alot).  Maybe, but really I think it has something to do with the company, or maybe it is my inability to really relax, worrying about what others needed or wanted.  Maybe it was tainted by the plans that were made, fine tuned, expected and and then changed---oh, about 3 or 4 times!  I couldn't count on anything. Maybe it was all the worry about what everyone else worried about.  Maybe it's just because it ended, and I just can't see it any more.

During this year's vacation  I was reminded of the joys I have been missing from our simple family vacations.  I miss watching the kids having experiences that they will always remember.  I miss gathering extended family and friends together around a camp fire or a picnic table filled with food.  I miss the simplicity and the general anticipation of it all.  I crave the sameness, the repetition, the pure delight of having everyone around and knowing that they WANTED to be there. 

I guess, too that I have been thinking about, wishing and hoping for some tradition to be established as we get ready to welcome our 1st grandchild into the world. I hope that our grandchildren will get to go to Tahoe every year~ at least once in the summer and once in the winter.  I hope that our grandchildren will have memories with the other kids that spend the entire summer there catching crawdads, challenging each other to contests in the frigid waters, boating, sunning, hiking, biking, horseback riding, etc.  I hope that our grandchildren will go to the beach every summer, experiencing the warm sand, predictable waves and learn to love the Boardwalk.  I pray that they will want to come to our home and get excited at the thought of time with us. I hope that I will be able to create and share those memories with our grandchildren.  I want to be wanted, and included but I'm not so sure how that will happen...if it will happen. 

So, this year's summer vacation makes its full circle.  Again, my unreal expectations outweigh the reality. I'm learning to deal with it & just get over it!   Now, I can only hope, pray and wish for the future. With God's help, I'll get to a place where my expectations will meet reality in equitable collaboration and joy will fill the days with memory making, simplicity and delight.  I look forward to that with a ready heart and await the joys of loving so deeply it hurts and the memories made are the salve to heal it all!