So, I wonder.
When does this stop...you know, this looking back and realizing it's gone? Its past? Its done?
TIME, that is.
The moments of my children running through the house, hugs shared- unsolicited, giggling under the covers, discovering the world, tears shed, all the firsts...the pride-filled accomplishments, they won't ever happen again. I was somebody to my kids then. They were my world, the reason for my existence.
Tears tumble over my cheeks as I try to make sense of how I am feeling. Did I not expect this to happen?
Isn't this the cycle of life? Is this how my mom felt? Is this how her mom felt?
(I doubt it...but you never know)
Had I known then, what I feel now, I would have bottled and put into ziplock bags all those moments, all those sounds, all those feelings so that I could hold them, hear them and feel them again.
To hear my son call me 'mommy', to have my daughter ask for a hug and a kiss goodnight~ those were the precious moments in my life that I won't ever get to have again.
I know, we raise our kids the best we can with what we know and with all that we learn along the way. And, they grow up and they do the same. They will raise their kids the best they can with what they know and with all that they learn along the way....and the cycle will continue.
It's been said that we get second chances with our grandchildren. And, yes, I will certainly love my grandchildren,and hopefully create moments and memories with them, but I don't want a second chance! I want to
know that I did well and that what I thought was important meant something to somebody. I want to be wanted and needed and loved because I am important to somebody. I want to be included because THEY think I should be, not because I want to be. I fear being lonely, left out and alone. Silly? Probably. Yet, they are very real thoughts and feelings in this moment.
I'm afraid there will me more of these moments of melancholy over the next year as we plan and experience Shannon's wedding and our home truly becomes the empty nest that its threatened to be for a while now.
Bear with me, love me, support me. Encourage me, love me and love me some more. I will survive. I will see the other side of this morph in triumph. There may be a river of tears at the end of the journey, but they will be what bouys me beyond myself and into who I am meant to be~ once more.
