the next step

So, it's still there. The cancer, I mean. Now that we know, and have been able to process the information, it seems that we get to move onto what we do about it. We saw the surgeon and he says that Dennis isn't a candidated for surgery.  I'm sorry to hear that.  Dennis is not.  So, now, he gets to have hormone shots, will survive outpatient surgery to implant radioactive pinheads into his prostate, and then he gets to endure daily direct laser beam treatments for up to 8 weeks.  Come late spring time, he should be done.  But, remission can't be declared for 2 years.  We can wait. In the meantime, I can only hope and pray that he will begin to take better care of himself.  We've talked and talked about this.  I will not nag.  He has to want to be different.  Right?  "Lord, instill in him whatever it is he needs to want to make a difference in his own life!"

ah the emotions of it all!!!!!!!

Sometimes I truly believe that I am going CRAZY!  I have so many thoughts and feelings in my mind, on my heart and in my spirit that I struggle to keep everything in-check, in order and safe.  I need to protect me.  I cannot imagine letting all these things pour out freely- ever.   I cannot imagine any possible seepage.  I must, at all cost, manage.  It's like this......every year when we drive up to get our Christmas tree, we pass what we call the 'bulging wall'. It is part of a switchback up the mountain that holds the road above, and all the rest of the mountain at bay. Each year, we notice it is bulging a bit more, and we don't ever want to get stuck in front of it for fear that any recent rain may loosen something in the ground that will cause it to break loose. So, we drive by as quickly as we can! THAT is what I feel like some times. That some mundane moment in time will trigger an avalance of emotion that I can no longer hold back. THAT would not be good! 
I know, I know, we all have stuff...and I'm really no more vulnerable than anyone else.  It's just that recently, I have been flooded with emotions that, although so obviously phantom in nature, nag at me and remind me of my imperfections, my losses and my weakesses.  I find myself struggling for breath sometimes and having to remind myself of Who I belong to (God), What I am (a child of God), and Where I am headed (heaven). There are times when I know that I am only boyant because of my savior Jesus.  Healer, rescuer, lover and friend. Even when I fail, He is.

I was just thinking........

I love New Years Eve.  It has traditionally been a quiet and purposeful time. After all the hubbub of Christmas we generally celebrate in a low key way with friends or simply spend quiet time, alone. We watch all the specials on TV, including Dick Clark and the Times Square ball dropping.  Then, there's all the after-parties that are televised.  It's great to be a snuggled up in pjs and watch all the fancy frocked folks ringing in the new year!

This year, because I got to work on New Year's Eve and New Year's Day, there's no way we could do any real celebrating.  So, after falling asleep on the couch at 9pm and getting comfy under the covers by 10pm, at 12:05am I was quite rudely awoken by firecrackers, fireworks, horns and other noises that I couldn't identify.  Once I could process what was happening, I realized that Dennis had not yet come to bed (an unusual occurence) and I had only 5 hours left until my alarm went off!  As I lay there struggling to go back to sleep, I began thinking about how alive the world was at this traditional bewitching hour....and for about 30 minutes, there was more life in the outside world, than there had been during the daylight hours!  Then I got to thinking how awesome our world would be if we celebrated our Lord in such a way each day.  How exciting it would be to wake up to the singing of praises and the sights and sounds of firecreackers all blessing and honoring God.  How comforting to know that while I slept, there were keepers of the praise; that while I snoozed there were others taking the mantle and honoring God.  (Not that I'm so good at it...but I would hope my voice, my joy would be missed!)

So, then,  I was just thinking what it will be like in heaven. Streets of gold, pearls in the gates, beautiful gemstones everywhere, no darkness (that means no shadows!), mansions on every corner, angels everywhere. And Jesus as close as my thoughts! The anticipation makes my heart kinda flutter!  What a glorious way to start the new year.  Keep your eye on the prize my friends....its what gets us through...what sparks the hope and keeps the flame alive!